


The voices are too loud

by OsamuSa



Series: Hansol Vernon Chwe hurt/comfort [9]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Blood, Chwe Hansol | Vernon-centric, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hansol is a baby that needs attention and love, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Panic Attacks, Protective Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups, Protective Seungkwan, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, angry 95 liners, ankle injury, members are very caring, poor baby, protective 95 liners, sprained ankle, vernon needs comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:35:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28878825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OsamuSa/pseuds/OsamuSa
Summary: Hansol has been experiencing anxiety attacks. The voices in his head are hurting his emotional and mental well being. And one day it gets too much. He spirals into the thoughts and decides to end it all. Will it be too late till the members get there or will it all end?
Relationships: Chwe Hansol | Vernon & Everyone
Series: Hansol Vernon Chwe hurt/comfort [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1915885
Kudos: 49





	The voices are too loud

**Author's Note:**

> OK, so there are many things I have to say:  
> 1\. I think this is the longest one-shot I've written without dividing it into chapters. And the text in Italics is Vernon's mind or aka the voices.
> 
> 2\. TW, Self-harm, suicide attempt, anxiety, and panic attack Degrading oneself.  
> So if any of the above warnings trigger you then please don't read it!
> 
> 3\. This is the first time I've written about self-harm and suicide and I've tried to do as much research about the difference in anxiety and panic attack before writing this. But obviously, there might still be differences I couldn't understand so sorry. 😊
> 
> 4\. I've written this in four or five days and I tried to make it as descriptive and as unrushed as possible but if you still felt it as if it was rushing then I'm sorry. 😊
> 
> 5\. And finally this was the last fic that I'm gonna release in a while because I'm taking break from writing coz I have my practicals next week and Finals after that and hopefully by March I will be done with the 11th grade! yayy!!🎉🎉  
> (But I'll still be reading here though😁)
> 
> I'm hoping to try writing more Hansol fluff fics coz I guess I've written a lot about mental health issues and I'm not very strong in writing about physical injuries so IDK but I wanna try so let's see.
> 
> So Enjoy! I hope you all like it! 😊❤

**Anxiety was like a tidal wave that drowned him to its depth. The longer he flapped his arms around and stayed there, the quicker he fell to the bottom. It was not the loudest rather it was the only voice that stayed in his head. It used his insecurities and wrapped him in a cocoon of self destruction and self hate. It was a war within himself that any other couldn't see. He suffered day and night, waiting for a hand that could pull him out but he drowned, deep, away from the arm that tried hard to reach out for him.**

**●○●○●○●○** ****

He had trouble doing the simple things, the everyday things. It was the constant overwhelming sensations, constant insecurities, constant doubts all bound together in that big bundle of anxiety.

He never thought of taking a break, catching a breath. Because he merely thought he doesn't deserve it.

"Come on guys," Soonyoung called out as he stood in the center of the room and indicated everyone to gather around, "one last run-through of this choreo and then we can wrap up, ok?"

A chorus of yes was heard around the room as everyone took their positions.

Vernon stood at the back, his shirt wet with sweat. Hands shaking and breathing erratic. His vision was blurring but all his mind could scream at him was that he didn't deserve a rest. He had to run through this choreo with them. But the voices were making it hard to focus.

_An unnecessary member of seventeen._   
_Only a visual._   
_His raps suck._   
_Why is he still in the group?!_   
_Such a baby! Can't even take care of himself._   
_A useless piece of-_

"Sollie!!"

Vernon jerked his head up to look at the 12 pairs of eyes that were eying him with confusion and concern.

He roamed his eyes around the room looking at all his hyungs who were staring at him. He became ashamed at the unwanted attention and fear filled his heart. 

  
_'That's it, one more mistake and they won't hesitate to kick you out of this team.'_

"Sorry, I wasn't paying attention." He smiled sheepishly, his hand rubbing his neck. Most of them rolled their eyes and mumbled in anger while the three oldest hyungs were still looking at him suspiciously. He avoided their eyes and took his position.

One more time and then I can head back home. One more Vernon.

"Pay attention Vernon-ah," Hoshi said, almost accusingly for messing up the practice.

_See, you made your Hyung angry. Useless._

He just shook his head to push those thoughts away, he needed to focus.

It was the most gruesome 4 minutes of his life. His hearing was messed up. All he heard was the voices in his head, the loud beating of his heart. The hate in those words almost too strong for him to ignore. His blurry vision didn't help. He was going along on his muscle memory for the dance. He knew he couldn't mess this up, it was just a four-minute dance routine and they have been practicing for a week now!

No, no, no, no, his foot twisted in the twirl but he managed to not show it and stood up again, a sharp pain shooting through his ankle almost making him hiss out in pain. The only thing going through his mind was, _'I deserve it.'_

His arms flailing around, his feet moving on their own, and finally after what seemed like a long time they gave their ending pose and stood still. Silence ensued in the room but it was still loud inside his head.

He saw the others getting up and turning around and that's what he did, it's done? He didn't even hear the song end.

His foot shooting a sharp pain cried in relief when he sat down on the ground. Hoshi stood in the center of the room, going through all the mistakes.

"Your twist was a bit off Vernon-ah, you need to smooth that out and steady your arms as well." He stared at Hoshi, taking in his words but his mind wasn't comprehending properly.

Hoshi sighed out in annoyance at the lack of answer from the younger, "Are you even listening Vernon?!" His anger finally got the best of him, "There is a limit to how carelessly you behave! How hard can it be to listen properly huh?!"

"Soonie," Jeonghan whispered softly, rubbing his palms on the younger's back as the elder let out a few tears of frustration.

_Useless._   
_Useless._   
_Useless._   
_Your such a burden, can't even dance properly, can't even listen!_   
_See you made Hyung cry! YOU!_

He was helplessly watching the members comfort the older as he sat on the ground, his arms wrapped around his knees.

Minghao and Dino gave a glare to Vernon because they knew how difficult it has been on their leader and having seen him experience it first hand.

Vernon got up and approached the group huddled together. Feet unsteady, hands clammy with sweat, and brain running at 100 miles per second. It was excruciating to stare at them and make out their faces, to will away the monster eating his brain.

"Hyung," he whispered softly, the glares of few members cracking his already shattered heart.

"I'm sor-sorry Hyung," he stuttered reaching out to the elder with unsteady arms. It was almost too funny, a person who is drowning is reaching his arms out not to be helped but rather to push the other above the water.

Joshua gave the younger a sympathetic look and murmured Hoshi to look at him. Everyone in this room knew how Hoshi was having a tough time. Hoshi didn't deserve it, he shouldn't be going through this.

No, none in the group deserves this except him. He should be the one breaking apart, he should be the one gasping for air while trying to stop the tears, he should be the one huddled by the members, he should be the one whom the members comforting, he should, shouldn't he?

_Of course not, what the hell?!_

He ignored the clawing of the monster, bleeding his already injured mind, and focused on his Hyung.

"Hyung, I'm really sorry! I'll perfect my moves before the recording tomorrow," he mumbled willing the blurriness to go away, his hands finally grabbing at those of the older.

"I'm sorry hyung, please, I'm sorry," he mumbled, closing his eyes tightly, it was too painful to keep them open, too painful to look at the light, too painful to live.

"It's fine Sol, I'm sorry I screamed," Hoshi finally said back, moving backward as Vernon's hands dropped from his.

He opened his eyes and looked at the hardened faces of his members. They were mad at him. He deserves it anyway.

He nodded at them and stepped backward as well.

"I'll run through this once more and come back home," He whispered, Seungkwan and Dino who were beside him heard the phrase.

Dino merely scoffed, "First you hurt Hyung and now your trying to gain sympathy,"

Seungkwan glared at the youngest and opened his mouth to fight back but Jeonghan was already pushing them out.

Seungcheol put his arm around Vernon's shoulder dragging him towards the exit while he stopped the eldest, "Hyung, I need to go through this once more,"

"Sol no it's already la-"

"Hyung please!" He murmured, eyes burning with tiredness, hands holding on tightly to the older's arm. He needs to do this so that he feels a bit better.

"We have the recording tomorrow, let me just practice this and I'll come back. I can rest tomorrow,"

"Let him be Hyung," He turned his head to look at Jun who was standing by the door, bag on his shoulder, face devoid of any emotion and voice stern, "If he doesn't practice now then Soonyoungie will be stressed tomorrow again,"

"Jun-ah he needs to rest," Seungcheol looked at the Chinese, voice hardened in anger.

"Hyung, Junnie Hyung is right. I'll come back after some time I promise," He looked at the elder ignoring the scoff that Jun released before leaving the room.

"Sollie, please talk to me and tell me anything, I'll listen to you aegi." He wrapped his arms around the younger's frame.

Vernon almost felt loved, but why was his Hyung hugging him. He doesn't deserve this! He didn't want to scream that out loud so he just nodded his head and agreed upon the offer.

_Liar!_   
_He is only looking after you so that you don't trouble Hoshi tomorrow._   
_What a nuisance!_

His breathing picked up as he saw the older leaving the room with a final wave in his direction.

There he was, standing in the room, all alone physically as a storm raged in his mind, screaming at him, cursing, and throwing his insecurities to his heart.

It wasn't too long when the first sob broke out in the room. He didn't want to feel this way.

Another sob followed soon and the young boy was feverishly weeping in the very practice room where he once laughed and smiled. He felt defeated, weak, tired, his hands itching to harm himself. Nails rubbing his arms in disgust and despair.

He wanted the voices to stop, the voices that never gave him a break. Day and Night, he heard them, too loud.

His heart clenched in pain as tears freely flew out of his eyes, the flesh of his arms red and raw.

His foot was making it hard for him to stand anymore so he dropped down, too tired to get up, too painful to stand.

He curled up on the ground. It was a pathetic sight, a young boy all alone and weeping his heart out.

_Weak._   
_Useless._   
_Imperfect._   
_Lacking._   
_Undesirable._   
_Undeserving._   
_Worthless._

Stop.  
Stop.  
Stop.

"Please please please ple-please sto-stop!" He screamed at himself, hands fisting his hair and clawing his neck. Please, he needs this to stop. He cant take this anymore. Too much pain.

"To-too much," he sobbed quietly, slowly going limp as exhaustion took over his body and he laid down, eyes shut and taking in every insult that his still too loud head threw at him.

A lone tear fell out of his eyes, will the voices ever stop?

~~~  
It was 4 am when he dragged his legs out of the room, dancing for the past 2 hours on a bad foot wasn't smart but he could care less. He wanted to perfect the choreo so he wasn't a burden the next day.

He received messages from the eldest three and Seugkwan and he lied to all of them saying he was back in the dorm. His dorm mates don't care anyway.

He had sprained his ankle, it was swollen and blue but he wasn't going to tell anyone that. He didn't want to be useless and a burden.

The voices had gone down since his exhaustion kicked in but they were still present, still lingering in his head.

He took a cab back home, too tired to walk, and finally, it was 4:30 when he reached the dorm. It was silent, everyone seemingly asleep.

He walked to his room and sat down on the bed, considering to take a bath or not. But he didn't want to take one in the morning and show his foot to other members so he decided to take one then.

Slowly rising up, hissing at the sharp tug from his ankle he limped towards the bathroom and took a long shower, hoping that his exhaustion could settle in, hoping that it would be helpful to sleep. He had done something he was ashamed of but dragging the sharp edge on his thigh never felt better.

After getting changed into a warm set of clothes and applying a bandage to his foot, he wore socks over his feet so the others wouldn't notice. He finally drifted off to sleep too tired to care for the loud voices ringing in his head.

~~~

"Wake up!"

He groaned at the loud voice, he was still too tired, too in pain. He can't do this anymore. He needs rest. He needs to sleep.

_'No, stop Vernon, get up!' His heart roared, he can't let anyone down._

He opened his eyes and came face to face with that of the youngest, who gave him a short glare, "How can you drift off to your dreamland?! Didn't you know our schedule? Did you take a bath?"

His mind processed the quick questions thrown at him and he nodded back, "I took a bath last night, I just have to get freshened up, and then I'm done."

The younger left the room with a "hurry up!" Yelled in his direction.

Sharing a dorm with Jun, Dino and DK was fun but at this moment two of them hated him, and it took a lot of courage to face them.

The three were already ready waiting when he joined them with his back. He noticed the swelling had increased on his ankle and the pain was unbearable but he decided to ignore that. He could get that treated after today's recording. The job comes first.

The three weren't too happy at his late coming but said nothing not wanting to ruin the mood early morning. Seokmin did give a small smile in his direction but they didn't exchange any words, the tension from last night still present.

The three decided to climb down the stairs, and Vernon flinched at the thought of walking down the stairs but he couldn't raise suspicion and he can't take their curses now. Having only gotten 3 hours of sleep was taking a toll on him.

Slowly he limped behind the others while they were quietly laughing at their conversations. He felt left out.

_See, they hate you!_

Not now. He sighed out at the sweat forming on his neck at the pain flowing his body.

He noticed the rest of the group standing there and talking quite loudly. Hoshi was also happy, wrapped in a hug by the tallest.

"Hyung!" Dino ran forward and hugged the closest to him which happened to be Minghao. The other laughed softly and ruffled his hair.

Joshua was softly laughing at DK and Seungkwan's jokes. While Jun wrapped the dance leader in a hug as well.

He was still standing behind them all. Forgotten by people who he could never forget. He willed down the emotional turmoil that choked him up. No, bad thoughts, he had to be strong till the end of recording or he could mess up the dance.

The two eldest smiled at him and Joshua came to greet him as well. 

They used the lift, five at each time since they were on the 7th floor. Vernon ended up with Seungcheol, Hoshi, Minghao, and Woozi.

While the eldest was giving him warmth, the other three ignored his presence. He deserves it.

They divided themselves in their respective cars, Vernon with his fellow maknae line. While dino was hostile with him, Seungkwan remained indifferent and sat beside him, coaxing him to rest his head on his shoulder and sleep since he noticed the younger's slump figure. Dino ignored the two and was busy on his phone as loud music was heard from the earphones.

"You okay Sollie?" Seungkwan asked softly, grabbing his hand and intertwining their fingers. After a long time, he felt warmth, comfort, and love.

"I'm fine Kwannie," he whispered, straining to keep his eyes open, "just a bit tired."

Seungkwan noticed the helpless state of the younger and gently nudged him to rest," Sleep Noni, I'll wake you up when we reach."

Under the steady fingers of Seungkwan, combing his hair, he finally fell asleep.

~~~

2 hours to the recording. All of them were already dressed up but had not put on makeup yet. They were practicing. Every move gave off a sharp shoot but he ignored that. Hoping and praying to every universe in the world that he wouldn't mess this up as Hoshi stared at his moves, his hawk eye was bound to miss not even a small mistake.

After the song ended, he saw the older nod at him once, finally!

He felt a sort of relief at finally being approved. The lines on his thigh didn't matter, the swelling of the foot didn't matter, the raw and red skin of his arm successfully hidden from his members didn't matter.

He was happy to have completed the dance. It was something small but it was the small things that were troubling him recently and he felt successful after practicing for so long last night.

He went to get his make-up done as he had lost the game of rock paper scissors and had to get his make-up done in the beginning.

He sat down on the chair, relieved to have removed the weight off his foot. He didn't know how the stylist hadn't noticed the bandage but he didn't care. He was happy that he was out of the limelight. Hoshi was happy, others were happy, that's all he needed.

He stared at the mirror as his face was painted at, furnished to perfection.

_"As if." The voices mocked._   
_That's all he was anyways, a visual, and an eye candy_

He suddenly felt too disgusted to look at himself. Right, just eye candy.

The others in the room were all engrossed in conversation or busy on their phones. He felt like itching his arms again. Some sort of a pain to will away the voices.

"Vernon-ssi, please keep your eyes open," the makeup artist told and he did as asked. _Get a hold of yourself!_

When his turn was over he went and sat over on the corner of the sofa, practicing his lines again and again. They were performing left and right, which had an easy choreo than home run but the former also required for relaxed features and jumping around which Vernon was unsure if he could do at the constant tingling in his foot.

"Vernoni," Jeonghan sat beside the younger and gave him a soft comforting smile, "are you ready?" 

The elder grabbed the younger's hands and gave it a little squeeze when he noticed Vernon's face go sour.

Was he ready? No, he was too invested in pain but he wanted to be ready, there was no other option.

"Yeah Hyung," he smiled back despite the restlessness. Jeonghan wrapped his arms around the younger in a quick hug and went to speak with the stylist.

The interaction had calmed Vernon down considerably.

"Come on!" A staff shouted for all of them to come to the stage. He followed the others out, uneasiness coming over in a wave.

His foot was shooting even more pain than before, he tried to not put any weight on to the injured foot. His insides felt as if someone was stabbing him and voices, the voices were the final discouragement.

He stood in his place, breathing heavy, he can't screw this up. He needs to do this.

The dance started with the four in the beginning. The only thing going on in his mind was to complete this before the voices empower him.

_'Please don't mess this up!' His heart screamed at him._   
_'Useless scum of the earth!"'His mind roared._

No, he needs to focus. He danced well, trying not to hiss or cry out loud at the pain shooting him. _'Keep dancing'._

"STOP!" He looked up to see the stares of all the members, the staff, the choreographer, the production crew, and the managers.

His eyes grew wide in panic as heard the music and realized he had missed his part. He was too busy focusing on dance that he forgot to sing.

No, no, no, no, this can't happen. He practiced for it. He can't do this anymore, his leg was burning, it was as if he was standing on lava.

"You missed your part Vernon," it was Hoshi, his calm voice gave him goosebumps. He promised Hyung he would do well. He didn't.

Most of the members were glaring at him, recognizing the tremble in the performance team leader's voice.

He made his Hyung sad. He messed up. Again.

He opened his mouth to apologize but no sound came out, his vision was blurring as his breathing became very erratic, he messed up, he is useless, such a worthless person! Why is he in this group, he is bringing them down. He is pathetic, dumb, deaf!

Goddamit!

He stepped back, flinching at the sharp tug in his foot, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he repeatedly whispered, hands shaking too much, he grabbed hold of his arms and dug his nails in. He could blindly make out someone reaching for him, but it was too late. No, he can't have an attack here, he can't lose! No, no, no, no.

The last thing he heard was of people screaming his name as he ran from there. He couldn't take it. Their stares, the hate, the pathetic sight of himself.

He ran and ran, trying to not only get away from the people present there but also the voices in his head. He didn't know where he was going, he only wanted to get away. He can't do this anymore.

He is too much of a burden! Too useless! They didn't deserve to be stuck with crap like him, they deserve better. Not a useless and broken boy.

His foot thronged under the heavy steps, eyes blurring over with pain and tears, hands shaking at the storm brewing inside.

This needs to stop, he can't go on, too much. He finally stopped near a door, he was in a hallway he didn't recognize. It was dark and silent, no one was around. He sobbed at the feeling of loneliness, at the dam that broke inside of him. Cursing at himself he fell down on his knees.

He removed his jacket and threw it away from him, his fingers finding the skin of his arms and itching away the pain. No, this won't do anything. Something stronger, something more.

His hands ruffled inside his pockets, unsteady, he finally removed a small cutter that was kept inside.

He cried at the act he was about to do. He wept at the feeling of helplessness, at the voices that increased in sound and hatred. He finally screamed at them to go away, throat raw and voice so agonizing to his own ears.

Finally, the last straw broke inside of him as he dragged the sharp edge on his already reddened skin. No, he wanted more. He pulled another line and then another and finally dropped the cutter.

The voices drained out of him along with the scarlet liquid. It was as if someone drained the voices and he slipped onto the hard floor as he lost his vision completely and fell forward in a bundle as the liquid flowed down his palm, shoes discarded due to the pain and bandage removed. It was as if he put all his wounds on a show.

Anyways no one was gonna find him, h would die before that, hopefully.

_'Finally! You know who you are.' The mind mocked him, laughing at the future._

_'I'm sorry,' The heart whispered._

He can't take this anymore, the voices in his mind need to stop.

And finally, with the last ounce of strength, he dug the cutter through his pants and dragged a deep line on his thigh, red immediately staining the white pants. Free. He felt free. He sobbed at the immediate feeling of relief flowing in his body despite the unbearable pain of his wounds.

He fell into an abyss feeling free and finally without the voices. The only thing that made him regret was that the last thing he did for his members before he died, was make them sad.

 _"Will the voices ever disappear?" The question he had thought of a while ago maybe finally had an answer._  
Yeah, maybe they do. But along with him.

**~~~I-I-I-I-I-I~~~**

Hoshi was very sensitive from the past few days, getting scolded by the CEO and their choreographer was not something anyone looked forward to. The two new songs were waiting for their choreo to be submitted to the company before the end of the next week.

He was constantly under pressure, constantly practicing, dancing, singing, without rest. From late nights to early mornings.

He didn't mean to scold the younger but he broke down in front of all the members when the last straw broke inside of him.

Everyone was noticing Vernon from their peripheral vision, and when he stood still, looking down, he knew they would have to stop the song and go again. His body screaming in tiredness and annoyance.

He didn't want to yell or scold in front of all the people but he couldn't stop himself, "you missed your part, Vernon,"

The younger jerked his head up, his eyes growing wide, it was almost comical but they all saw the tears pooling in the boy's eyes. He noticed the shock registering in all the faces and how Jeonghan was ready to jump in but the younger was shaking a lot.

Hoshi stared in worry at the younger trying to reach him out but the younger stepped back, apologizing repeatedly.

It all happened in the blink of an eye, he was standing there and then he was not, he ran away from them.

By the time the shock wore off and they ran behind the boy, they had lost him. Hoshi was shaking at the prospect of what could happen.

"Please search the CCTV cameras," Seungcheol requested a staff member, his voice unsteady, "we will run around and look."

The staff nodded and soon everyone jumped into action, there were a lot of hallways. Everyone split their ways.

He saw the guilt and regret clawing at the members of his unit. Anger was visible in the three hyungs and Seungkwan's faces. He saw the streak of worry that dominated each of their features and he knew he was at fault.

How could he not notice? He was the last straw for the younger. He was such a bad Hyung!

"Soonie," he looked tearful at the shorter, "let's look around, standing still with guilt isn't gonna change anything."

He nodded at Woozi, "We all owe him so much," he whispered, thumbing away his tears.

The two joined the others and ran to one of the hallways.

Please be fine. Please be fine. Please be fine. It was like a mantra repeatedly going on in their minds.

"Scoups-ssi, the 6th hallway, he went there," the leader heard the first thing when he picked his call and thanked the staff before informing the others.

They ran inside the hallway, forlorn at not finding anyone there.

"Let's look further," Wonwoo told as he ran ahead, the 11 of them following behind and that was when they heard the most heartbreaking scream ever and sobs broke out among them.

They increased their pace. Hearts beating wildly, face twisted with pain, guilt, and regret.

Hoshi was whimpering as his hand clenched that of the shorter in a really tight grip.

There, they saw their brother, their baby, down on the floor.

Gasps were heard and Hoshi stood still not believing the sight in front of him. While everyone ran around him, crouching down and checking his heartbeat, all the elder could do was cry out in guilt. He slowly walked closer and dropped on his knees.

There was too much blood around them, he noticed the swollen and purplish-blue on his ankle and sobbed out. His baby was in pain. His brother was in pain and he didn't notice.

The wounds on his arm and thigh shocked everyone, Seungkwan threw the cutter away from them, screaming in pain.

He cradled the younger's face, too pale and sickly. He dropped his face down on his chest and hoped that the slow and weak beats of his heart would last long.

The paramedics ran to them and pushed everyone away, he didn't want to let the younger go but his life was hanging by a thread and he didn't want to get between people that could save his brother.

Vernon was carried away on a gurney, Seungcheol, and Jeonghan running behind them.

A pair of arms wrapped around his body as they cried in each other's arms. His brother had just tried to take his life. He tried to commit suicide. The thought itself was enough to make the younger weep harder in the arms of his brother.

It took a while but when he looked up he saw a few of them sat there, eyes locked into the place that the younger had been laying when they found him. It was Joshua and Jun who had hugged him. Red-colored their clothes.

All of them looked worn out, guilt weighing each of them down.

"I'm sorry," he murmured as all 10 heads jerked up to look at him.

"If only I hadn't given so much importance to performance the-then he wo-wouldn't have tried to- tried to do it," he stuttered, fingers rubbing his arms to warm himself up.

"We don't blame you Hyung," Seungkwan mumbled, trying to give a smile but his face twisted in pain after all he saw his best friend trying to take his life.

"I was rude to Hyung," Dino whispered, hands rubbing his eyes as tears leaked out of them, "me too," both Minghao and Jun spoke up, faces red with shame and tears glazing their eyes.

"I failed as a hyung," Jun cried softly, wrapping his arms around himself. DK wrapped the other in his arms.

"It was all of our faults. We should have understood him better, we could have done better but what-ifs are not going to change anything," Joshua said, eyes looking at each of them. With the two 95 liners in the hospital, he was the oldest.

"But now that we know, let's do better, let's be there for him. He needs strength, let's rectify our mistakes. I don't know if we could ever compensate for what had happened but let's avoid it from today onwards. We don't know what he was going through mentally and emotionally but let's do better now. He needs us," the others nodded along, extracting what little strength the words could offer.

All of them stood up to go to the hospital, holding each other's hands.

They received a second chance today and they swore to not waste it.

~~~  
Vernon was still in an emergency condition when they reached the hospital.

"Hannie!" Joshua found the two members in a waiting room, seemingly both of them were crying.

Jeonghan immediately latched on to the other, tearing up in his arms.

"What's wrong Hyung? What did the doctors say?!" Seungkwan asked, the others impatiently waiting for an answer as well.

"You all should sit down first," Seungcheol spoke up, voice hoarse and eyes distant.

The others looked at each other, scared and uneasy at the request but sat down nonetheless.

"He seemed to have lost a lot of blood and doctors have said that he would need donations," Jeonghan choked up. Seungcheol grabbed his hand and pulled him to his side.

"His blood type isn't really available. They are still contacting the donation offices." Seungcheol continued.

The faces around them crumpled down, fear taking over.

"Hyung!" Minghao stood up, wide-eyed and hope blooming on his face, "We can donate blood. There are six of us!"

The others soon understood as well, "Yes yes!" Seokmin continued both of them approaching the leader, "Let us try Hyung please!"

"Ok, but let's decide who will do it and we still might need to get the test done," Cheol said, relief taking place in his body.

The six of them rushed out followed by Seungcheol and Joshua.

"Doctor!" Cheol shouted gaining the attention of the medical staff.

"I'm sorry Seungcheol-ssi but we still don't have enough bloo-"

"We can donate," DK interrupted.

The doctor eyed them in surprise, "Your blood types match?"

"The four of them have A type while the two of us have O type,"

Hearing that the doctor gave them a big smile before going back to his serious face," We will just take few tests to see if you're healthy enough to donate, please follow this nurse."

"We promise we will do our best," the doctor looked at Seungcheol and promised while hurrying towards a room where he was urgently called.

The two eldest stood there, scared and worried, hoping everything would turn out okay.

~~~

The 8 of them were seated in the hospital. Jeonghan's parents came earlier since they lived nearest to the hospital and they were the only set of parents whom they informed about the situation. They had left a few minutes back after making sure the boys had eaten and were taken care of.

Seokmin, Wonwoo, Joshua, and Hao were currently resting in the corner where they had laid down on the mat. Having a private waiting room definitely helped. Woozi and Dino were unable to donate since they were both running on antibiotics because of the flu and fever they caught a few days back

Vernon's parents were yet to be informed as well. His father was currently in America with the rest of his family and they didn't want to cause panic within them.

The rest of them had fallen asleep on the sofa that was set up around the room, still waiting for the news on Vernon.

Seugkwan noticed Dino, sitting in the corner with his eyes closed. Others would say he was sleeping but the younger noticed that that was not the case. He indicated the maknae to follow him after he nudged his foot.

The two walked out to the cafeteria, silence ensued between them. They ordered coffee and sat at the corner table. There were barely any people at the time.

Seungkwan stared at the younger. Chan wasn't not looking up from his lap and his face void with guilt.

"If you are going to give me a lecture then I'm sorry Hyung. I know I was at fault and I shouldn't have done it, I'm so bad Kwannie, how could I behav-

"Stop Chan," Seungkwan grabbed Chan's hand, the other looked up at him, surprised, "I'm not here to give you a lecture or to scold you, are you okay Chan?"

Chan was blown away by surprise. He thought he would definitely be beat up by the other for behaving that way with his best friend and he would have wholeheartedly accepted it.

"Wh-What?" He stuttered, looking into the other's eyes if he would find some mockery in them but none, they were earnest eyes.

"It's been hard on all of us, wh-what happened I mean," he cleared his throat and gave a small smile to the other, "I won't deny that it wasn't your fault or mine or anyone else's but Channie, you know I care about you and Hoshi Hyung or any other hyung just as much as I care about Sollie. Maybe it was something that we could have avoided, talked it out, be there for him but I'm not gonna dwell on the past, neither will I allow you," he gave him a pointed look.

"Channie let's not keep anything from each other, remember how the three of us were inseparable. We were the three musketeers who fought together not with each other. I wonder where we went wrong but let's not keep anything from each other now, Pl-please," he whispered, wiping his eyes with one hand while the other still grasped onto Dino's in a tight grip. 

"Ok," Chan gave a small smile, He sat beside the older and wrapped his arms around him, "I swear when Vernoni Hyung wakes up, I'll apologize to him day and night till he forgives me. I'll never misbehave with him or with any of you, Hyung you know I value all of you a lot as well. I love Sollie Hyung but even after that I misbehaved and I'll make sure never to act in such a nasty manner. I don't know why maybe I thought that way he will focus more and listen," He sighed, breath hitching in guilt.

The other hummed in response, tightening his hold around the younger. Seungkwan ran his fingers under Dino's underarm.

"Yah stop!" He laughed out trying to push away the giggling boy.

Someone cleared their throat. "I'm glad you two are talking it out,"

They looked up to see Woozi approaching them with a soft smile.

"Hyung!"

Woozijoined them on the table. Ruffling their hair on his way.

"How's everyone doing?" Seungkwan asked.

"The four of them are still resting, Gyu had tried to feed them something. Soonie had gotten a slight fever so Hannie Hyung was helping him go to sleep. Shua Hyung and Cheol Hyung are with Noni,"

How's Sollie Hyung?" Dino questioned in a low voice.

Woozi gave a soft smile to the younger, "The transfusion was successful but he didn't wake up yet. The doctor said that it might take some time since his energy levels are too low. All in all, he is finally out of danger,"

Dino gave a watery smile to his hyungs who spotted big smiles, "He's gonna be fine?"

"Yeah Channie, Noni will be fine," Woozi wrapped his arms around the two younger. He couldn't stop the physical touch since he was really feeling down.

They will be fine.

~~~

"What's going on Hyung?" Chan asked panicked, seeing the members rush out of the waiting room.

"Sollie woke up!" Mingyu yelled at them, the other three instantly rushing behind them as well.

Doctors and Nurses were filled in the room, voices of shouting and crying filled the air.

"Please calm down," One of the nurses tried to calm the thrashing boy around but to no avail.

Seungcheol pushed all of them away and reached the younger, "Sollie, aegi?"

He kept his hands in front and waited for the younger to see that it was just him and the younger whimpered at the familiar face and crumpled in the arms of the eldest Hyung.

"I got you aegi, your safe, I got you," he repeatedly whispered, holding the boy firmly to himself.

The medical staff gradually left after realizing that the boy was not going to have another panic attack.

There were only members and a doctor left in the room. The other members were stuck with pain after seeing their baby scream in fear.

Slowly the boy in his arms calmed down, enough to not shed any more tears even though he sniffed once in a while.

The doctor nodded at Seungcheol when he looked at her.

"Vernon-ssi, how are you feeling?" The doctor's soft voice was very soothing and calming.

The younger turned his head to look at her, eyes puffy and red. His expression held confusion and pain?

"I'm alive?" Those were the first words the boys heard from the younger and the fact that he spoke them as if he shouldn't be alive shook them to the core. Just how ruined was the younger?

"Yeah, your alive and well. If we don't find any symptoms then you can ev- "

"Why?" He cut off the doctor with wide eyes, "why am I alive?" He looked at all of them, eyes glazing with tears.

"Sollie..." Jeonghan whispered, coming forward and grabbing his hand. Seungkwan had moved forward as well but the 11 of them still stood at one side giving space to the two elders so they could calm the younger.

"Vernon-ssi, why did you do it?" The doctor asked softly, eyes holding concern and care.

"Because I'm useless! I bring others down and make others sad! I can't dance or sing or rap, I'm bringing the group down!" His chest heaved under his outburst and his body started shaking. Gasps were heard around the room, members unable to believe the words that the younger said.

"Sollie that's not- " Jeonghan began only to be cut off.

"You don't get it Hyung! I shouldn't be alive, I should die, I don't want the voices..." he stopped as if he remembered something, "The voices?" He looked wide-eyed at Seungcheol while the rest of the room held confused faces.

"Please Hyung," he gripped onto Seungcheol's shirt, hands fisting over the fabric, "Please dont let them back, I dont want them to come back. Please Hyung, I-I can't li-live with them Hyung!" he cried out.

Others were panicked at such a reaction. Seungcheol and Jeonghan tried their best to comfort the younger but he kept repeating the same thing over and over again.

"Vernon-ssi," the doctor moved forward but the younger didn't hear her, "Vernon please listen to us!" She raised her voice.

The younger was hyperventilating, voice getting muffled and tears running down his face. A few of the members broke down as well. They felt helpless.

"The voices won't return!" The doctor finally said, voice high pitched and the younger looked at her, disbelief crossing his features.

"Th-they won't...?"

"No they won't darling, but you need to tell us about this first, ok?" Her voice returned to the original tone gaining everyone's attention.

"They told me things," he whispered, clenching his eyes shut.

"Things?" She questioned, "things like?"

"They told me to die, that the members don't care about me, that I was a burden and useless and worthless and pathetic," He was sobbing but the others didn't stop him.

They were shocked by the words he spoke.

"They told me how I- I was bri-bringing the team down and how they would be bet-better without me," he gasped for air, pinching his palms but the two boys were quick to stop that action.

"They stayed with me day and night. They were always there, they scolded me and mocked me and," he opened his eyes gasping and looking at the doctor, "It wasn't as if what they said was wrong but they messed my head, they damaged me" he whispered.

"Sollie," Jeonghan whispered, pained at the confession.

"Is that why you cut yourself, Vernon?" The doctor asked softly and the nod from Vernon was enough to bring a pained moan from a few of them.

"What happens when you do it?"

"They go away for a while," he whispered, "They come back later but it got too much, I-I was sc-scared and it was t-too loud," he stuttered in pain.

"Darling, you know those voices lied to you right?" She looked at him and moved forward, keeping her hands in front of him so that he could grab them if he liked or pushed them away if he wanted.

"They did?" He murmured, looking down at the hands.

"Yes dear," her kind voice was enough for Vernon to trust the stranger and place his palms in the waiting hands. The rest of the members held their breath, ears wide open listening to every little detail.

"Will they come back again?" He whispered looking up at her. She smiled in sympathy and moved forward, gently folding the broken boy in her arms.

"You know Vernon, those voices were a part of you, they were born inside you by feeding onto your insecurities. Your pain was their fuel and as long as you try to fight your pain and insecurities with your strength, they will not come back,"

"But I'm not strong," he whispered, tears falling down his face.

"You dont have to be strong to fight them dear, You have your strength around you," She waved her arms around to show the other standing there, Vernon looked at them giving him comforting smiles while their faces also held tears, he pushed his head back in the embrace, " Your members, your family, your fans, you dont have to fight by yourself, Vernon. You dont have to face those voices alone." She moved back to look at the broken boy in her arms.

"The voices don't define you, Vernon, listen to your heart. It beats for you to keep you alive day and night," Her hands ruffled his hair.

It was a sight to behold, 12 boys feeling helpless while one stranger was able to calm him down.

"And if it comes back?" He asked, looking at her with trusting eyes as if whatever she said will be true.

"Then tell them, they will never turn their back on you. They love you, Vernon, if they didn't then they wouldn't have donated their blood to keep their brother alive."

Vernon pushed himself back from the hug and looked at the members, his eyes glistening with tears and surprise, "Donated blood?" He mumbled.

"Yeah aegi. Me, Hao, Wonu Hyung, and Shua Hyung were able to do it thankfully," Seokmin smiled at the young boy, coming forward to sit on the bed, "We love you and would have done anything and everything to have you back you know."

"We owe you an apology Vernon," Hoshi whispered, his eyes downcast and fingers playing with the hem of his shirt.

"I owe you an apology," He looked up, "It doesn't change what happened but I promise I'll never behave like that again. I have no excuses, I sh-shouldn't have sc-scolded you," tears were openly falling down the older's eyes and Vernon couldn't help but cry out as well, reaching out with his hands.

Hoshi understood and hesitantly moved forward and wrapped his arms around Vernon.

Both boys cried in each other's arms, feeling scared at what could have happened and lucky at how fate played out in the end.

"I'm sorry as well Hyung, I was wrong," Dino cried out and then the other boys followed and soon they all wrapped the younger in their arms, happy to feel the steady beats of his heart from the monitor and happy to hold the young boy, alive.

**~~~**

"You can always come back here if you want to talk to me or call me any time of the day, anytime you feel sad," Miss Youra smiled, the doctor who had grown close to the boys in the past three days that Vernon had stayed at the hospital.

"Thank you, Yuri," Vernon smiled at her, using her nickname. They found out that she is a 98 liner as well and she grew really close with Seungkwan, Chan, and Vernon, her personality matching the trio very well.

"Take your meds on time and enjoy!" She hugged the younger, feeling sad at him leaving yet happy that the younger was recovering and was going to be fine.

The other boys hugged her as well and they were on their way home.

**~~~**

Vernon went on an undefined period of hiatus for his anxiety and carats were really supporting and loving and having his brothers there with him, he slowly grew out of the shell.

They finally clasped his hand and pulled him to the shore, the voices became distant, and soon as Youra said they disappeared. 

He didn't recover in days, it took months, it took time. He was trying his best and when at times he did spiral into the voices, there was always one member there to pull him out of it.

They complimented him, gave him encouragement, showered him with praises. Every day was still a struggle but he wasn't carrying the burden alone now, one word from him and 12 people would stop anything that they were doing to be there for him.

He sometimes felt like a burden and couldn't control his thoughts but he decided to conquer them instead of falling prey to them. He found another friend through it all. He found himself again, something he thought he wouldn't be able to do.

Vernon laid there on the ground, his head laid on Hoshi's lap as he massaged the younger's head. The members were all sat there in the lounge watching a movie after practice. Looking at all of them and looking at the two youngest cuddling in his arms was enough for him to be grateful to all the universes for giving him, 12 people to love and get loved in return.

"Good night, Sollie," Seungkwan kissed his hair while Chan wrapped his arms around his waist. He closed his eyes to feel peace, and happiness cushioning his heart.

"Night Kwannie, Channie, "He murmured softly.

_'I'm proud of you,' His heart whispered._

**_'He strived to not get reduced by the voices again, and that is all that mattered'_  
**

**Author's Note:**

> See you all later in two months, Until then take care and bye!!❤❤  
> I'd love to know your thoughts on this fic though! Comments make me happy hehe😅😅😊❤  
> btw idk where this person Youra came from but meh I enjoyed her character :) I don't she will be appearing in other fics though idk again let's see hehe!
> 
> Bye❤


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